A New Blog

Today, I made a chicken pot pie. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, but it is the first time I followed a recipe that included onions. Honestly, just this week, I bought my first bag of onions at the grocery store. This brought back memories from 2022, not long after my husband Dave passed away.

You see, Dave never liked onions, and throughout our marriage, not a single onion made its way into our house! After he passed, I remember writing about onions, not knowing whether I liked them myself. In the two years since I’ve ordered dishes with onions at restaurants and found I enjoy them most of the time (though I still can’t stand raw onions). But today marked the first time I actually cooked with them.

Of course, the struggle to rediscover who I am after losing Dave goes much deeper than onions. We see ourselves through many lenses—daughter or son, parent, spouse, volunteer, student—and for many of us, our job titles become a major part of our identity.

A New Challenge

Recently, I was let go from a job I had for almost five years. While that might not seem long to some, for me, it was a significant blow. After Dave’s passing, I threw myself into my work for several reasons:

1. Financial Security: As the sole breadwinner now, I needed the income. In marriage, there’s always a sense of a safety net, but when you're on your own, that net disappears.

2. Social Connections: It’s often said that when you lose your spouse, you lose 75% of your friends. Half were probably your spouse’s friends, and many others were couple friends who now don’t know how to relate to you as a single person. My work friends became one of my few social outlets.

3. Shock and Trauma: The elimination of my position caught me completely off guard, leaving me in shock and dealing with the trauma that comes with it.

Studies show that losing a job is ranked as one of the most stressful life events. Some say it even surpasses the death of a friend, divorce, or serious illness. Though this wasn’t the first time I’ve lost a job I loved—my position was eliminated during the Archdiocese bankruptcy—it was the first time it blindsided me. At least with the Archdiocese, we knew the layoffs were coming. Eleven of us lost our jobs that day.

This time, my position as an Event Manager was cut due to new leadership and a shift in the organization’s direction. The separation was immediate. No goodbyes to my work friends. No transition of my projects. One moment I was immersed in work, the next, I was severed from both my job and my small social network.

And with that, my sense of self collapsed.

Who was I without a job title?

The grief that followed felt both familiar and different. I’ve experienced loss before (see my EGOT post), and I thought I’d already worked through emotions like anger, denial, resentment, bargaining, and depression when Dave died. But losing my job brought them all back.

Drawing from my past losses, I tried to put what I’d learned into practice. There are many resources for people who are suddenly laid off, but I found these four lessons particularly helpful after losing a spouse:

1. Reach Out for Support: After Dave passed, I had to learn to ask for help. With him gone, I needed to lean on my adult children and a few close friends.

2. Let Go of Guilt: Even when the loss isn’t your fault, guilt can still creep in. I found myself reliving interactions with the new leadership, wondering if I could’ve done something differently. I allowed myself to go through those scenarios in my head, but I also reminded myself that the people in charge needed to carry their own responsibility.

3. Allow Yourself to Grieve: I threw myself into job hunting right away. In hindsight, I should’ve taken time to sit with my loss first. I applied for countless jobs, and within a month, I had written over 27 cover letters. Jumping in too soon led me to almost accept positions that weren’t right for me. Eventually, I took a week off to rest, read, garden, and write again. This break allowed me the space to reflect and heal.

4. Trust: I’m still working on this one. I need to trust myself more and put less trust in others. People will always disappoint, but maybe I’ve been putting my trust in the wrong places.

Ultimately, my true identity is as a child of God. As much as I identify as Dave’s wife, a mother to my children, or by my job title, none of those define who I am at my core.

I love because God loved me first. I was Dave’s wife in God’s eyes, but that doesn’t define me. I was blessed with children because they are a gift from God. I am able to serve through my work because God placed me on this earth to do so.

A Lesson on my job from Job

All of these roles are temporary. Look at Job. To us, it seemed like Job lost everything that defined him, but in truth, his identity was never in his wealth, his family, or his fame. It was always in his eternal identity as a son of God.

Eventually, Job said, “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered.” (Job 42:1-2)

I will be starting a new position next week. I hope to write more on that in a future blog. For now, I look forward to continuing to find my purpose in God’s eyes.